The worst bit about the entire fitness industry

PumpedI’m currently doing an exercise and meal program. And I’ve remembered why I hate this sort of thing. It isn’t the fake tan and awful colourful work-out clothes. Although that’s all pretty shit.

No. It’s the bimbo-y, nonsensical language. I not only cannot take it seriously, it gets up my nose.

I’m not alone in this, I’ve checked. It alienates other people, too. For instance:

Are you ready to kick some butt? It’s time to bring your A-game! Dig deeper and push yourself to the next level! Yes! I want you to smash these out of the park! Go hard! Get pumped! You need to get in the zone and bring 110%! Bring it! Crank it up and nail your workout! 

YOU ARE JUST SAYING WORDS.

THIS IS THE LANGUAGE OF FUCKING SHAKESPEARE YOU ARE BUTCHERING.

Is it supposed to be motivating? Because it is actually just irritating and distracting.

Why are there so many exclamation marks? WHY??!?! And oh, god, the metaphors. They aren’t mixed, they’re pureed. INTO WORD VOMIT.

Why is it all so bossy? The imperative tense was never meant to be used this way. And I don’t react well to the imperative tense in general.

Also? Apparently, I’m on a “journey”. I wish it were somewhere better than off to Woolworths to buy some more fucking baby spinach (OK, I confess. I haven’t actually been buying baby spinach because I fucking hate baby spinach. I have no idea why it’s in every frigging recipe).

My pilates instructor asked me about my program the other day and I had a rant to her about how annoying I was finding it all. I told her that her studio’s lack of bimbo-y crap was part of the reason why I’ve been doing pilates for eight years and to keep up the good work (they do theraputic pilates for injured people, though, so I suppose that helps).

I also told her that I should totally set up a gym where the instructors are all wearing crappy old K-mart tracksuits pants and holey old t-shirts, and start each class by saying “Look, I know we’d all rather be down the pub drinking and eating chips. But we need to do this class once a week so we don’t all get diabetes or whatever. We don’t have to pretend to like it. Now, I’m going to put on this Marilyn Manson CD and let’s all just do 10 push-ups. No, I don’t want to do them either but I can’t have a stroke next week, I have book club and I don’t want to have read that stupid boring book for nothing. I’ll count us in.”

I would make millions. MILLIONS.

In the meantime, I am thinking of going to these hoola hooping/80s dancing fitness classes because at least they look like they have a sense of humour.

 UPDATE: I am NOT ALONE

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