It’s ok, they won’t be here much longer

The engineering plans for our renovation finally arrived. Woo!

So I think that this is a good time to randomly showcase some of the things that I am looking forward to no longer having in my house. We’ve already fixed some of the more pressing ones (the broken bits of asbestos littered over the backyard; the section of fence that fell down; the shed door that fell down; the dishwasher that had a leprechaun inside it that shat on the dishes rather than cleaned them (I pinched that phrase but it’s the best way to put it); the light fittings so ugly that we decided we’d rather have bare bulbs), but here are some of the other things that I’m looking forward to having removed from my sight:

Our kitchen has incredibly ugly tile-printed wallpaper on it. As if that isn’t bad enough, some genius then put clear contact on top. Poorly. We have no idea why, so don’t ask. Sections of it have been scratched up by a cat. This section I am holding here comes away altogether. I am looking forward to ripping this off the walls and burning it.

I don’t know who did the plumbing, but I assume they weren’t familiar with the term “best practice”. The sink above this marvel of connections isn’t sealed into the bench, it just sits on top of it, so water leaks down into all the cupboards below. The bendy grey pipe you can see there flops its way through two cupboards before it gets to the dishwasher, and gets in the way of my baking dishes.

I plan to bash all this with a mallet and no one can stop me. Mwahahaha.

The kitchen cupboard doors seem to have been put together from scratch by the home-renovator that ruined much of the rest of the house. They appear to have been made out of wood veneer, jigsawed in the right shapes then glued together. They don’t close properly because they didn’t use the right sort of hinges, and some don’t even fit.

They are also so thin that I am convinced you could put your fist through them; I plan to try it when we demolish the kitchen.

I also plan on trying to put my fist through the door pictured above. I have three things to say about concertina doors. A) blerg; b) if you will insist on using them, do try to get ones that FIT THE DAMN DOORFRAME; and c) don’t buy cheap shit.

Our laundry likes to pretend that it’s wood-paneled.  It’s actually some sort of cheap fake wood veneer, and sections are falling down. This section of skirting board (read: a plank of wood they painted brown) is missing. Where did it go? We don’t care, we just wish they’d taken the rest.

The whole bathroom is a depression-inducing cold blue colour.

The shower is a tiny, dark suicide booth that came with a soap-holder right at elbow-banging height (we took that down).

The toilet door has no doorknob — it fell off and we didn’t bother putting it back up since the door doesn’t close anyway.

The towel rail you can see next to the door falls apart every couple of months, as does the toilet-roll holder.

The tiles are both ugly and impossible to clean. You can’t see it in that picture, but the vanity’s water-damaged and some of the tiles are cracked. The sink taps leak all over the top of the vanity, and water leaks into the cabinet underneath. Also, this is the most uncomfortable bath in the world:

But these things will shortly be behind me. Finally. HOORAY!!

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One Response to It’s ok, they won’t be here much longer

  1. Pingback: Things I shall have | lisaslifelately

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